


Coughing in desperation

by an_anxious_bean



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Development, Coughing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hinata Shouyou is a Good Friend, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Miscommunication, Smoking, all nighters, burn-outs, distancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:56:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29742549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_anxious_bean/pseuds/an_anxious_bean
Summary: “We’ll always be together right Kuroo?”“Of course Kenma. I won’t leave you.”-“What happened to that promise...”
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Kudos: 15





	1. Opening the pack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hai, umm I’m doing this as a hobby, so the quality might not be the best.  
> It also doesn’t help that this is my first fic, but I hope you like it regardless!

“We’ll always be together right Kuroo?”  
“Of course Kenma. I won’t leave you.”

“What happened to that promise...”

(Also the start of the fic)

Kenma stumbled over his stuff on the ground.   
He had slept in, yet again and was now putting on clothes that were considered acceptable to wear. He closed the door behind him and locked it quickly before running down the stairs of his building. Outside is where his childhood friend stood, waiting for him to go to school.

“Late again Kenma, really?”  
“Shut up, let’s go.”

The day passed by with them hanging out and messing with their team.  
Volleyball connected them, but they still clicked.  
Exchanging lunches with each other, talking about the latest subjects or the test that they just survived, or not. Kenma was thankful to have people like them around.   
It wasn’t as lonely anymore. 

“Kenma!”  
He recognized the shrill voice that yelled his name.  
“Leave me alone Kuroo-“  
“You should eat lunch though! It’s not healthy to skip meals and you know that.”  
“I’ll eat extra for dinner.”  
“Liar, you won’t.”  
“Let me go!”  
“Go out your food then!”  
“FINE. Why are you so stubborn?”  
“Hehe, just want to look out for you.”

The feeling that swelled up in his gut should’ve indicated something.  
But of course he ignored it. Choosing to play his game while trying to shove some food in between battles.  
His teammates were talking about volleyball again, Kenma didn’t really care for that.  
It wasn’t bad as background noise though.

[|]

“I see your alarm works again.”  
“I just forgot that my phone was still on silent yesterday.”  
“Yeah yeah, like that is any better than a defect alarm.”  
“At least I don’t make my bed hair my normal style.”  
“Hey! I think it looks cool, thank you very much.”  
“Your welcome.”

-

“Hey guys! Have you seen the girls from class xx?”  
“What about them Lev?”  
“Oh don’t worry about that, Lev’s been too caught up in glancing at every female person lately.”  
“Hey! Excuse me for having good taste in women.”  
“So, about them.”  
“Oh Kuroo, you have so many different ones you could choose. There are ones with long or short hair, medium if you can’t choose. Sporty, smart or funny girls. And-“  
“I’ll stop you there because I know where you’re going.”  
“Oh come on Yaku! You can’t deny that they’re all pretty.”  
“Well even so, you should still be paying attention in class! This idiot got busted because the teacher asked him a question and he answered with ‘polka dots’.”  
“Lev...”  
“Not you too Kenma! Listen she was wearing a cute bow in her hair okay. Don’t think I’m looking at something else!”  
“God you’re hopeless.”  
“Shut up Kenma, talk to me when you get off your console.”

-

Kuroo likes long haired girls.  
Lev had asked Yaku and him once, which one they preferred most.  
Yaku had answered with short, but Kuroo liked the ones that had long flowy locks.  
Bonus points if they had lighter hair, he liked the way it shined in the sunlight.  
Ones with shape to them was also something he wanted.   
No necessities other than just basic respect and humor.

Kenma had none of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like I have in my notes in chap 2, this fic will undergo a lot of changes, so watch out for that!  
> But yeah this chap was just a very quick introduction to this fic.


	2. Taking it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Change, something that happened naturally but was sometimes forced.  
> Kenma liked the change he made, everyone did.
> 
> Not that the change really influenced something...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So umm, this fix is going to change a lot.  
> Like I mean probably a whole lot.  
> This is my first public fic, so I’m still not really good at writing.  
> What I’m saying is that if you might like a part of this fic, you might want to save it somehow idk, like screenshot? Because there’s a chance it’ll disappear with the next update.

Bleach, toner, a shower cap.  
He had everything he needed. Walking to the cashier, he paid for everything and left the store.

*

He threw himself on the couch, relishing in the comfort of the soft texture.  
But forced himself up after a few seconds.  
Collecting everything he had bought and shuffling to the bathroom.  
He was going to do it. Why the fuck was he doing this?  
He knew, but didn’t want to admit.  
‘If anything this is for a change. I can’t have this forever.’ He picked up a few strands of his hair and looked at it like it was wet seaweed.  
Kenma wasn’t the best with hygiene sometimes when it came to his hair.  
Too unbothered to get off his game and stand there washing his hair and then having to dry it off. 

While applying the bleach, he asked himself again why this seemed like a good idea.  
Well, he already did it so he might as well pull through.  
He left his roots untouched, liking the look of them outgrown.  
When he was done he looked at himself.   
Locks were stuck together, the bleach holding them. He had watched a few videos and he assumed that it didn’t look that different.  
He sealed it off with the new-bought shower cap and went to his living room.  
Slapping himself in the face when he saw the kitchen.  
He had forgotten to pick up food on the way to the store, picking himself up now that he had to cook. Kenma opened the fridge and picked out the ingredients that would make some okay food.  
There wasn’t much to work with honestly, just some veggies and a little bit of rice leftover from that time Kuroo and him made sushi together.  
Kenma set everything up and made some fried rice, that was something even he could do moderately well.  
While stirring the rice he heard his phone getting a call from someone.

Groaning, he accepted the call. “What?”  
“Hey Kenma, how’re you doing?”  
“Oh Hinata, hey. I’m fine I’m making some fried rice at the moment. Have you eaten dinner yet?”  
“Yeah! Kageyama made a mess out of the kitchen though. The grumpy jerk doesn’t even get cutting right. *sigh*”  
“HEY I HEARD THAT.”  
“OH SHUT UP.”  
Kenma let out a slight chuckle at the dynamic of the two. Then he remembered something.  
“Hey Hinata?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Would you like it to go to the mall with me this week?”  
“How about tomorrow?!”  
“Well I guess that could work... wait don’t you have practice tomorrow?”  
“Fuck I forgot. Daichi made a new rule that binds us to practice now. Apparently doing workouts as a group is supposed to make us ‘grow closer’.”  
Kenma could practically the quote unquote in Hinata’s voice.  
“I don’t get it! The only thing I get out of it is sore muscles. We already began to grow close enough with just playing volleyball, but I can’t complain against the captain now, can I?”  
“Ugh tell me about it. Kuroo does whatever he wants and just doesn’t think about consequences at all.”  
“There must be something with captains, they are always so stubborn and look like each other.”  
“Oh god, don’t get me started on how well Kuroo clicked with Daichi and Bokuto. If he ever met Oikawa I bet you I won’t see him anymore for the next week.”  
“Haha, no joke.”  
“Hinata, shut up!”  
“Sorry!”  
“Hey I might have to go, it’s getting quite late.”  
Kenma looked over to his clock on the wall and out his big window in his living room.  
The sun had been setting already and with each passing moment it became darker.  
He walked over to the light switch and flicked it on, flinching a bit from the sudden light.  
“Yeah sure, see you... uh so when?”  
“Oh yeah, uhh I guess the day after tomorrow?”  
“Sure. Goodnight Hinata.”  
“Goodnight Kenma!”

At least his feelings about Hinata hadn’t changed.

[|]

Kenma was standing in front of his locker, putting in books he wouldn’t need for the day anymore. When someone leaned against the lockers next to him.  
It made a loud noise and startled Kenma.  
He closed the locker door a bit to peek at who had to disturb him.  
It was Lev.  
“Hey Lev.”  
“Hey Kenma, WOW WAIT.”  
Oh he forgot, no one knew about his transformation from last night.  
“What did you do to your hair, I mean it looks good on you.”  
“Oh shut up Lev.”  
He closed his locker, already walking away to go to their normal place during break.  
“No I’m serious, but why so suddenly. I mean it was just a normal school day yesterday.”  
He tensed up a bit, not wanting to go through the explanation of something that he didn’t even understand himself.  
“I, just felt like it.”  
“Hmm, impulsive Kenma. Didn’t know you had it in you.”  
“Why am I friends with you?”  
“Hey!”

*

Kenma had gone to the cafeteria for food and Kuroo had tagged along.  
“So what’s with the change?”  
“Shut up, I just felt like I needed it.”  
“Out of nowhere?”  
“Isn’t that when changes happen the most?”  
“Fair enough. What would you like to eat? My treat.”  
“Oh my, are you treating me for doing something different for once in my life?”  
“Maybe, just felt like it.”  
“Touché.” A small smile fell on his lips, but soon faltered.  
This couldn’t stay this way, but it wasn’t like he could begin ignoring Kuroo all of a sudden.  
That’s when Kenma realized that his whole life might as well revolve around Kuroo.  
Volleyball, school, their friends, his kinda there motivation to still move.  
“Hey Kenma. Are you still there?”  
“Huh, yeah. Umm, sorry.”  
Kuroo snapped him back from his thoughts.  
And apparently he also helped him to stay in the present and not spiral completely out of control.  
Oh this was wonderful.

*

Kenma laid awake in his bed that night.  
If he was to stay with Kuroo it would hurt him, he knew that.  
But he could stay a little longer right? Not like there was a thing wrong with him sticking around a little longer.  
It would be fine and better anyways.  
No one would suspect Kenma of suspicious behavior.  
He went to sleep that night blissfully unaware of what awaited him the next morning.

[|]

“What?”  
“Kuroo got a girlfriend! Can you believe it? Already and we’re like a month into this year.”  
“Pfft yeah, a month...”  
That’s all it took, a month.  
Guess that whole plan couldn’t last long as his hope. It was destined to happen, wasn’t it?  
Why was the universe so cruel?...

(Chapter 2, rewrite)

Kenma was changing out of his pajamas. He had promised to go shopping with Hinata today and honestly, he didn’t want to go outside.  
But getting to see Hinata was worth the hustle. Besides, going out would do him good, even though he go out voluntarily most of the time.  
Always getting dragged by one of their friends. And almost every time Kuroo was there, the one who had lead these idiots to his doorstep.  
Kenma shook his head. There he was thinking about Kuroo again.  
He decided to just focus on getting ready and heading out the door.

“Hey Kenma! WAIT.”  
“Hey.”  
“Don’t hey me so casually while you look so different from the last time I saw you!!”  
*chuckle*  
“Tell, what’s with the change.”  
He tensed, there he was, going to tell yet another lie about the new color.  
“I-, just wanted a change.”  
“Hmmm, all of a sudden?”  
“Yep, that’s what makes it so exciting isn’t it?”  
“Hmm, I guess so... Where did you want to go?”  
“Uhh, I wanted to buy some new clothes.”  
“Cool! Let’s go to xxx.”

Hinata took off with Kenma’s hand in his to lead to the clothing store.  
They spend hours going from shop to shop.  
Goofing around and trying things. While Kenma tried to shop intently, Hinata was just running around. Grabbing stuff from the racks and trying things Kenma knew he would never wear.  
But it was all fun, Kenma missed laughing like this.  
Missed laughing...  
Now that he thought about it, his lips hadn’t pulled up into a smile in quite some time.  
“Hey Kenma?”  
“Hmmm yeah?”  
Drowning in his thoughts again, it was getting worse and worse by the day.  
“Are you ready to pay?” Hinata was pointing to the pants and shirts in Kenma’s hands.  
“Oh yeah, just wait a second, okay?”  
“Sure, I’ll be finding something to mess with, don’t worry!” He took the stance of a soldier speaking to his captain.  
Kenma chuckled again and Hinata shone with pride that he had heard another one of those cute sounds of Kenma.  
“I’ll be back.”

They walked out of the store and were heading to the bike stalls.  
That’s when he spotted a certain black haired hairstyle amongst the crowd.  
Kenma grabbed for Hinata’s hand and ran into the other direction. When Kenma thinks they’re in a safe spot away from Kuroo, he turns to Hinata.  
He’s looking at him with confusion evident on his face and Kenma is wracking his brain, trying to think of an explanation that won’t cause him to reveal his feelings. But Hinata will look through his facade, they both know it. So Kenma heaves a sigh and decides to give up.  
“We’re going home.”  
Kenma didn’t struggle against it, if it was Hinata he could trust him.

Hinata opened the door to his home, Kageyama was in the kitchen washing dishes form lunch.  
“Welcome back idiot.”  
“Well thank you for the greeting jerk.”  
*chuckle*  
“Is Kenma with you?”  
“How does he-“  
“It’s your chuckle.”  
“Well fuck, guess I’m never doing that again.”  
“Oh come one Kenma, let’s go into my room. Hey, don’t bother us until we get out.  
Go do something on your own.”  
“Fine then, when do you want to eat dinner?”  
“We’ll order take out.”  
“Sure.”  
“Are you sure that’s okay?”  
“Yeah, don’t worry.”

Hinata closed and locked the door behind them.  
Kenma threw himself onto the bed and laid there for a few moments, relaxing into the soft texture of the linen sheets.  
“I love Kuroo...”  
The silence was killing Kenma, but he finally said it to someone. Even though he still wasn’t really sure why and how, he knew that it was love.  
The bed dipped and Kenma leaned on his elbows to look and Hinata was sitting there.  
Sitting there with a small, gentle smile.  
Kenma felt his eyes tear up again and accepted Hinata’s arms.  
He let it all flow out after holding it in for so long. It was freeing but also bittersweet.  
It was real, all those feelings. And he knew before, but he realized it now.  
They sat there for a while and Kenma was grateful for that.

After that Hinata had listened to all his thoughts he had had through all of it. The feelings that arose from only hearing Kuroo’s name alone. And then discovering he didn’t even have a chance anymore. Hinata had been there though, rubbing soothing circles on his back or holding hands with Kenma to say ‘hey I’m here’.   
Kageyama had knocked on the door to signal that food was here.  
Strutting to the door, Hinata had taken the food and shut the door in Kageyama’s face and locked it again.  
Kags had banged onto it for a while, calling Hinata names but he didn’t care.  
And while that happened Kenma had just sat there giggling to himself.  
He was really fortunate for having these two as friends, but falling in love with your childhood best friend balanced that luck out quite well, if he may say so himself.


	3. Lighting it up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re all broken.  
> All affected by this, it’s up to them now to make up.

That’s how it began.  
Or rather, how it ended...

After that night at Hinata’s, Kenma decided that he wasn’t going to go through this anymore.  
He tried to cut off all contact. Putting his social media on a different page on his phone, silencing messages from Kuroo and getting rid of things that reminded him of him, or at least hiding it out of plain sight.  
Anything to help him regain some control of his emotions.

It was a Saturday.  
He had been changing his environment all week and found it much better now.  
Kenma laid on his bed and thought. The times that he and Kuroo had experienced together.  
How it was all so nice back then and how carefree they were.  
What he would give to go back to those times...

*

“Kenma! Come on they will escape if we’re not fast!”  
“Wait Kuroo.”  
Kuroo turned back and saw Kenma half dying. Trying to catch his breath and not completely crumble due to lack of sport in his daily life.  
“Hehe, you should really sport some more. Hmm, oh I know! You should play volleyball with me. Just set the ball to me and I’ll score all the points, watch me!”  
Kuroo shined with his smile. Showing his teeth, eyes shut and showing his pride in his skills.  
“Whatever, but only if I don’t need to move that much.”  
“Of course not, we’ll be the best duo in the world! Wait, the ice cream truck, hurry!”  
“Wait Kuroo!”

“Hey hey. To which high school are you gonna go to?”  
“I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about that.”  
“I heard that Nekoma is good. And don’t you think that fits with you? Since cat is in the name.”  
“You-” Kenma blushed and punched Kuroo in the arm. The other just laughed at the reaction.

“Kenma! Meet my new friends, they also play volleyball!”  
“I’m Yaku and that giraffe over there is Lev.”  
“I’m Kenma, well you already heard that idiot over there so I guess I didn’t need to say my name.”  
“Which major do you have?”  
“Oh social media studies and production.”  
“Cool! Are you going to do something like a YouTube channel?”  
“Lev right? Maybe, I don’t know yet.”  
“Kenma has never known a thing in his life.”  
“Hey!”

*

Kuroo helped him out of his shell, Kenma made friends because of him.   
Now he felt shitty pushing him away. He guessed it was a shitty thing to do in the first place.  
Well, it wasn’t like he hadn’t warned Kuroo for him turning out to be a shitty person one day.  
He knew his habits and tendencies. Always shutting people out if they came too close to him.  
But the friends he had now had never pushed him to that limit.  
Yes they were annoying sometimes, but that’s what made them them.  
Kenma turned to his wall, staring at it as if the answers would appear written on it.  
He closed his eyes and dreamt of him and Kuroo in the forest in their childhood next to their houses. When he woke up, he wished he could go back to that dream.

[|]

Kenma had ignored all his calls and messages last week, Kuroo didn’t know why.  
Maybe he was busy studying. Kenma did had a bad habit of staying up working on school because he couldn’t bring himself to do it in the day.  
He went to his class feeling uneasy.

*

Kenma wasn’t going to stay here.  
Not anymore.   
He began studying for tests determined now, promising to himself that he would graduate early to get out of this damn town.  
Smoking was a habit picked up along the way as a sort of way to relieve the stress.  
It wasn’t good, of course. Kenma had gotten countless lessons on how it destroyed your lungs.  
But it was the only thing that made him relax.  
Everything else made his brain hurt and that’s exactly what he didn’t want to have to deal with after hours of studying.  
Always looking out over the view from his balcony while blowing out smoke.  
But even though it may have relaxed him physically, Kenma was mentally stressing over everything. 

*

Nowhere. He hadn’t seen Kenma all day. During breaks he only stumbled upon Yaku and Lev, Yaku bullying Lev for something that he had done as always.  
But Kenma wasn’t sitting off on the side, gaming and listening to the banter of the two.  
“Where’s Kenma?”  
“Oh, didn’t he tell you? He’s gone off to Karasuno to hang out a bit with them there.”  
“Why?”  
“I don’t know, because he wanted to? You never know with Kenma.”  
Kuroo knew that, that Kenma was unpredictable most of the time. Look at his hair. If that didn’t say a lot about Kenma’s behavior, you were blind.

Kuroo didn’t see Kenma that whole week.  
Only passing glances in the halls and when Kuroo realized it was Kenma (still not used to the bleached hair), he was already out of sight.  
He had still tried to contact Kenma, but none of them were ever even opened.  
Kuroo gave up after that, thinking Kenma might have had a rough week.  
His girlfriend tried to comfort him from whatever was bugging him. But that didn’t help.

[|]

5 months. There was no way Kenma had 5 rough months.  
No contact whatsoever, Kuroo was so confused. Nothing made sense in this, it came out of nowhere. What did he do?! Kuroo was irritating sometimes, he admitted that. But Kenma had been his childhood friend, always putting up with that behavior for years. So why now? Was he finally fed up with it? Was Kenma replacing him with the Karasuno team. No, he wouldn’t.   
He figured that they were all nice, but really?  
It was Saturday. He didn’t get anything done that day. Not even having the energy to pick up his girlfriend’s call.

*

He did it. The house, city, job and stuff.  
All of it was planned out and was about to happen.  
Kenma managed to end his suffering from college in just 5 months. Sucking up to professors really was the way to get the special treatment. ‘Guess the guides on YouTube weren’t so wrong.’  
Kenma packed his things in boxes and taped them up.   
He was leaving this hell hole and starting anew. But did he want to?...  
‘He has a girlfriend, he’s your childhood friend. You have no chance.’  
Well, it’s not like he could cancel anything after taking care of so many things.  
He was going to have to put through this, and who knows. This might be the best decision he’s about to make.

[|]

Summer vacation.  
It was summer.  
Kuroo sat across from Lev and Yaku in this cheap karaoke thing.  
They had invited him to go with them, when Kuroo asked they answered that Kenma wasn’t coming.  
“Lev.”  
The other looked at him and went to the bathroom with Kuroo. Promising Yaku they would come back soon, and him screaming he would beat up Lev if he lied.  
“What is it?”  
“Do you know anything about Kenma. Where he’s been and what he’s been up to for example.”  
“Kuroo. Have you guys been talking since that time.”  
They both knew what Lev was talking about. Yes, he could be an idiot sometimes, but Lev knew when someone or something was wrong. Having experience from his sister who had complex emotions and hints to give about them.  
“No. I tried to text Kenma, but he hasn’t read any of them. It’s like he’s been wiped off of the earth.”  
“Oh boy, we might need to sit down for this one. Let’s go back to Yaku before he comes barging in, demanding I hand over my own ass.”

*

They ended up at Yaku’s place. Yaku having to scream at his little brothers to leave them alone this time for real.  
“I’m sorry. But why are we here again?”  
“Kuroo hasn’t spoken with Kenma for a while. And by a while we mean, remember that time in like March when Kuroo asked where Kenma was. Since then.”  
“You- oh god. Good thing you brought us here Lev.”  
“Yeah, now sit down. We need to talk to Kuroo.”  
“What is it? Where’s Kenma, is he hurt?!”  
“No! He isn’t. It’s just... Lev.”  
Lev heaved a sigh and began the whole story.

*

“You’re going to xxx? Why, that’s so far away from here.”  
“Yeah, but I just liked the city and besides, a job I like is there so I thought I might as well.”  
“Wait aren’t you supposed to stay here for at least another year?”  
“Nope, I worked my ass off for this, but I can graduate early.”  
“Really? Good for you, but why all of a sudden?”  
“Are you used to anything different from me?”  
“I guess not. But you should also look out for your health. You haven’t taken good care of yourself during that time, have you.”  
“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

*

Kenma knew it was safe to tell Yaku. He wouldn’t say anything to Kuroo unless he asked for it.  
Jumping onto his bed, he finally relaxed a bit.   
He had been busy all the time. Studying for every test as best as he could to graduate early and get out of this dump. Don’t get him wrong, he loved the apartment, but he could get used to something new. And besides, getting away from Kuroo could help him more than everything he’s done up till now.  
Kenma walked to his desk, opening a drawer and taking out a pack of cigarettes.  
He’d picked up the addiction during the heavy studying. Just something to get his mind off of lol the stress that university brought with it.  
He looked out over the city from his little apartment, taking a drag from the cigarette and blowing a puff of smoke out. It was good like this. If it stayed this way, he wouldn’t get mad.

*

“So, where’s he now?!”  
“I, I can’t tell you.”  
“Why not?”  
“I promised Kenma I wouldn’t tell you.”  
“Please Yaku, I need to see him.”  
“Fine...”. ‘Please don’t kill me for this Kenma.’

*

“Where are you going babe?”  
“I’m, just going to visit family in another city. I’ll be home soon baby, I’ll see you tomorrow okay?”  
“You’re not.”  
“What?”  
“You’re not going to visit your family, are you.”  
She saw through him. Of course, who was he kidding. Kuroo’s girlfriend had always been able to see fakes as if they were Barbies.   
“I’m, not...”  
“Who is it?”  
“It’s my friend.”  
“Is it that boy with the bleached hair.”  
“Yeah.” Kuroo heaved a sigh, finally getting it out to the person he was so scared of finding it out.  
“Is he more important than me?”  
“Of course not!”  
“Kuroo.”  
He searched desperately for something to say to her that wouldn’t get her mad. But all they were, were lies. And that was the last thing he wanted to do right now after keeping secrets from her for so long.  
“I don’t know.”  
She exhaled frustrated. Kuroo braced himself to feel the impact of a hand slapping him. But that didn’t happen. Instead, there was a soft hand cupping his face. When he opened his eyes, he saw the endearment and hurt in her eyes.  
“If he is, then we shouldn’t continue this anymore. After that, you should find him, go after him before you lose that person.”  
“Nora... I-”  
“Go. It’s fine, I’ll get over it.”  
Kuroo took her into his arms. She was surprised and a little bit startled, but wrapped her arms around him too. Savoring their probably last hug. It was better this way. She held in the tears, not wanting him to stay out of pity for her, she could do this. He needed to do this.  
‘Goodbye Kuroo. Please don’t let them go.’

[|]

Hinata was scared. He didn’t know how it would turn out for the two of them. His muscles always being tensed due to this and missing balls because he wasn’t focused.  
“Okay let’s take a break guys!”  
“Come on dumbass.” Kageyama dragged him to the sidelines.  
He forced down gulps of water, still feeling as if his throat was the desert.  
“Hey Hinata, are you okay? You’re kind of out of it today.”  
“Yeah, I’m fine Suga. It’s just, I’m worrying about something I guess.”  
‘What is it?” Suga sat down against the wall and looked up at him, waiting for Hinata to sit down next to him.

“It’s Kenma and Kuroo.”  
“What about them?”   
“I’m worried, they haven’t been talking and Kenma is stressed. He’s been really caught up in school because he wanted to graduate early. He’s also picked up smoking, I’m just afraid that this is going to turn out to be worst case scenario.”  
Suddenly he was pulled into a hug.   
“They’ll be fine. I also heard from Daichi that Kuroo found out Kenma’s location through Yaku and is going tomorrow.”  
Hinata sucked in a small breath of air, but it turned into a sob. Breaking down too from all the stress and anxiety he had through it all. Not having noticed how much he had been thinking about it. Kageyama also came to check up on Hinata and brought him home that day.  
They ended cuddling that day, Kageyama rubbing comforting circles on his back and hand.  
He just hoped that all of it would turn out okay.  
Hinata had tear streaks and was still twitching every now and then from a few cries that escaped, but that was the first night of good sleep he had gotten in a while.

[|]

“Did I do the right thing Lev?”  
They were still at Yaku’s. Lev was staying over that night, deciding that it was the best for the both of them. Yaku sitting on his bed and Lev on a pillow. And when Yaku asked that question he turned around to look at him.  
He looked miserable, no emotions were seen on his face. But the aura around him could’ve made flowers wilt.   
“I don’t think you did the wrong thing.”  
“What if it isn’t what we think. But what we fear, and I was a catalyst for bad things that are about to happen.”  
Lev stood up from his seat and made himself comfortable on Yaku’s bed instead.   
“Whatever may happen, it may be your fault.” The other winced at this.  
“But don’t forget that those two also make their decisions. What you might’ve started was maybe the pathway to chaos. But if it ends up in ruins, it’s because they made choices that continued the havoc.”  
“Ha, look at you. Using big words.”  
“Oh come on! I have a broad vocabulary you know. I know things like magnificent and extraordinary!”  
“You do know everyone knows those by now, right?”  
“Give me some credit here!” Lev fell on the bed and whined.  
“Haha, no.”  
Yaku was grateful. Lev was right, whatever was about to happen was going to happen.   
They’ll fix it at the end, whatever will be left.


	4. Smoking it till it’s ash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uhh, this is definitely not the best out there.  
> But I hope it may still be somewhat enjoyable. And like, I know I might be more like ‘I’m confident in my writing skills’. But I’m not, I’ll get there probably. I’m just starting however and my disc will be probably not organized at all and badly worded. I’ll put in effort however. Trying my best is the best thing I can do here ㅇㅅㅇ

He stood there in front of the building. The sun setting in the background, setting the sky ablaze.  
Red, pinks and light yellows danced across, embellishing the fiery summer sun.  
Kuroo looked back at the structure and moved forward, because if he didn’t, they’d stay that way.  
And that was the last thing Kuroo wanted.  
The elevator took him higher and so did his anxiety. All the negative thoughts flood his brain, ‘what if Kenma doesn’t want me here?’. ‘What if he doesn’t want to be friends?’ ‘What if we’re already not friends.’  
His attention was piqued by the sound of the doors opening.  
He could do this.

Knocking on the door, Kuroo stood there, anxiously waiting for Kenma to open the door.  
His palms began to sweat. ‘What if he isn’t home.’ ‘What if Yaku gave me the wrong number.’  
‘Oh no, what if they lied to me, what if I’m in the wrong building to begin with?!’  
“Kuroo?”  
“Ken-”

That wasn’t Kenma, not the one he wanted to see.  
His disheveled, unkept and clearly exhausted friend from years ago. It was repeating again.  
Kenma had a bad habit of not taking care of himself unless told to.  
Kuroo was reminded of that fact again. Glancing into the apartment, he saw that it wasn’t ant better. Not any bigger than the other and not kept cleaner.  
Cups of instant noddles were scattered on almost every surface, soda cans collecting on the coffee table and Kenma’s monitor was making a soft sound after having played on for probably hours. Clothes were everywhere and there were boxes of school books and from the moving process.

“Kuroo?” He turned to Kenma again, saying his name for the second time now.  
“What did you come here for.”  
It didn’t sound like a question, more of a demand to justify his visit that disturbed him in his hibernation like rut.  
“I-, wanted to check up on you.”  
Kenma didn’t believe him, little changed in his face let Kuroo know.  
He had spent so much time that even the slightest twitch would be a tell-tale for him.  
“Kuroo. I live an hour from where you live, you wouldn’t come here to ‘just check up on me’.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because...” Kenma looked pained, but he masked that behind displeasure.  
“Just, what’s the real reason.”  
“There is no other reason.”  
“...”  
It had never been this way. Kenma was quiet, but was never silent.  
“Can you go away, you know how it’s going with me now.”  
“Can I- come in?”  
“What?” A hint of offense.  
“It’s just that- I haven’t seen you in a while.”  
Disgruntled noises could be heard from Kenma, but he let Kuroo in anyways.  
It was even messier from the inside. Dishes in the sink, groceries thrown onto the kitchen top.  
But there was a smell that made Kuroo crunch up his nose.

“What’s that smell?”  
“Oh, I started smoking.” Without missing a single beat, Kenma had already gotten a cigarette in his hand with a lighter in the other.  
Kuroo watched how Kenma’s lips closed around it and puckered when he blew out the smoke.  
Time seemed to stop for a moment, only them in the tiny apartment.  
“What happened?”  
“What?”  
It slipped. Worries that Kuroo had when he had seen the start Kenma was in.  
“I mean. You look tired.”  
“Yeah, I’m done with everything.”  
“You should come back.”  
Why was it all spilling.  
“What if I don’t want to?”  
“Are you happy here?”  
“...”  
Kuroo wanted Kenma to be happy. If that meant that he might not be there, then that was okay. But he didn’t understand how Kenma was forcing himself into this new environment for who knows what reason. It just pained him to see it, wanting to desperately be a helping hand.  
“I think you should get out Kuroo.”  
Kenma of course never took that hand, always slapping it away.  
“I don’t think so.”

“Kuroo...”  
“No, I’m not going until you tell me why you moved here. Why?”  
“Do I have to give you a reason for me wanting to live my life?” He was getting pissed now, a Kuroo could see it, but he needed to know.  
“Am I not part of that life?!”  
“WELL MAYBE YOU AREN’T.”  
Kuroo’s face fell and at the same time Kenma opened his eyes. Not even having realized they were shut out of frustration.  
“Get out.”  
“But-”  
“GET OUT.”

Kuroo left that town feeling like he lost something. He knew what he lost, but something else was missing and he couldn’t place it.  
Whatever it was, he hoped he would get it back soon. He felt hollow without it.

*

‘Why did I yell?’  
Kenma had ran to his bedroom after locking the door behind Kuroo.  
His pillow got wet, shoulders were shaking and cries were muffled by the pillow he had shoved in his face.  
He was done with it all. Why couldn’t he just say it? No but of course Kuroo wouldn’t choose him.  
The nerdy kid who didn’t even talk. It was already a miracle that he was friends with someone like Kuroo. He couldn’t even compare to his girlfriend. Kuroo had everything, friends, a partner, the brains. And Kenma was left with a heartbreak that wasn’t even official yet.  
He didn’t want it to be however, if that ever happened, Kenma wouldn’t know if he would see the light of day again.  
It hurt.

[|]

Kenma got hurt.  
While he was in a store, he got a coughing fit. Apparently he had been smoking a lot, the stress getting to him often. Every little inconvenience caused smoke to hang around the air.

Kuroo was sitting in the waiting room. Yaku and Lev came over hurriedly from their houses.  
Collectively they sat next to each other in defeat. Had they failed as friends?

The nurses had let Kuroo to go see Kenma, although they warned him that he might not even be awake. Kenma had undergone some surgery to get rid of most of the toxins.  
Kuroo thanked the nurse and hurried over to the hospital room, at least the worst case scenario hadn’t happened yet...

And there he laid. Even more frail than the last time Kuroo had seen him.  
A mask on his face to transfer anesthesia into Kenma’s system.  
Kuroo walked to the bed and pulled a chair next to it. Looking at Kenma’s features and admiring the friend he’s had for years.  
Years... and it could all end in mere seconds.  
He broke.  
Broke under the pressure, worry and guilt. Kuroo could’ve prevented this, but he of course didn’t notice how it was going with his best friend.  
He stayed there all night, holding Kenma’s hand.  
Tears not stopping even in his sleep.  
Kuroo just prayed.  
That he would see those eyes again that made him feel at home.

*  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I wanted to check up on you.”  
“You’re not any different from your boyfriend.” They both looked at said boyfriend sleeping on Kenma’s bed.  
“Ex-boyfriend.” A grimace painted her face.  
“What?”  
“We broke up. Me and Kuroo.”  
“Oh.”  
“Tell him.”  
“What?”  
“I know it’s you. The one that takes up all of Kuroo’s thoughts, makes him smile on bad days and comforts him on sad ones. The reason he kept going. I just hope you guys figure it out, I truly wish you the best, both of you.”  
She walked out of the room, back turned to Kenma.  
“Thank you Nora.”  
“... no problem.” Trembles. But Kenma didn’t do anything, didn’t stop her from leaving or stopped to comfort her.  
Instead he looked down at the boy in his lap.  
Kenma leaned forward and placed a kiss on his head.  
“Why didn’t you tell me dumbass.”  
He smiled and turned to the window in his hospital room. The sky was a crimson red, just like his eyes. He hoped he would see those eyes one last time.


End file.
